It’s hard to explain. People ask me often how I am doing and how I am holding up, and all of it is hard to explain. It’s hard to explain that the paralyzing hard days I just stare at a wall, literally. It’s hard to explain how desperately I want to be near Enoch and why I go to the grave everyday. But it’s the most difficult to explain how I feel like God prepared me for where I am today. In all honesty I would not have survived this tragic loss a year ago.
Since Enoch has passed away I have revisited my journal a number of times, knowing all the lessons God was teaching me were written in different forms throughout it. Here is just a glimpse, as there is no way to explain in full all of what I learned.
This is a page from my journal. I drew and wrote themes, phrases, and verses God was teaching me throughout the first half of 2015 on one page. So many nuggets, and yet a few main themes that came up over and over again.
If you have been around me at all in the past year or have heard me talk about how “Everything is a gift,” you might notice it written in the center of this page. I genuinely understand that “everything is a gift, and nothing is deserved.” I even drew a picture of our family of three with an arrow to that phrase. I learned this over and over, it was a major theme in my life, and one I believe so deeply. That is how just 51 days after Enoch was born and died that I can say that pregnancy really was a gift! (Click here to read an entire post just on this idea).
Another theme throughout 2015 was the phrase, “palms up.” A dear friend, Kara, initially challenged me with this phrase at the beginning of the year. As I would tell her or text her that I was anxious or overwhelmed, she would encourage me to let go. “Palms up.” It was a good reminder, and I soon adopted it as my own. I used to write it on my palms as a physical reminder that I wasn’t holding onto anything tightly. That it was all God’s. All of it. Everything. All of the time. Other times I would write in my journal, “Palms up, arms in the air,” meaning I hold nothing tightly, and I worship God in all circumstances. It’s written over and over in my journal. I reminded myself of it daily. God really is in control, and I need to let Him be.
|This was written in my journal, not found on the page above.|