I forgot. When I get bored it’s a habit to click the Facebook app on my phone. I forgot not to click on on it this Easter day. I do it out of habit, but I wished I didn’t for so many reasons. Today is harder than most as my newsfeed is full of family Easter photos. These photos are inundated with small humans in cute dresses or little boy ties, slicked back hair, displaying joyful and sometimes not so joyful smiles, with squinty eyes as the sun is blinding them. I know these pictures. But my Easter photo looks different than theirs. A lot different.
Here is mine. I was so excited to take him his red converse today. I needed to. Recently I moved my friends cute little shirts with the tags still on that she purchased for her kids specifically for today. I didn’t get to do that. I don’t get to buy him new outfits or dress him up and take his picture. So I took him his red converse because I needed an Easter photo. I needed to feel like I was “dressing him.” I needed to feel like a “normal mom.” Plus, let’s face the realities, I have no doubt he would have been wearing red converse on this Easter day.
In addition I most likely would have dressed him in this, an outfit I found just days before he was born. I never purchased it, but had full intentions of doing so if the little baby inside me was in fact a boy. And yes, I realize you normally go for bright cute colors on Easter for kids, but that’s not really my style. He most likely would have been in this with jeans and red converse.
So I went to the grave, took him his red converse to dress him up, and sat there and cried because my Easter photo is so very different than I expected.