It didn’t make sense. There’s no way it could be true, but I had to know if I was pregnant. All signs pointed to no: never once suspecting in fifteen years of marriage, a doctor saying we only had a 3% chance, and let’s face the realities that age is not on my side. But my body was pointing to the fact that I might be, and I couldn’t ignore those signs for too much longer. It’s a weird thing knowing we are infertile and yet feeling like I might be pregnant. So, as much as I didn’t think it could be true, I had to at least get that thought out of my head. And so I bought pregnancy test.
The next part also is tricky too. How much attention to put on the test. I don’t want to be too hopeful, but if it’s miracioulsy positive, then I want it to have some meaning. So in addition to the pregnancy test I buy stuff to grill out, and plan to take it on a night Tim and I would have time together. Spring was just breaking through, and it was a warm night. Tim loves burgers over a charcoal grill, and so I make sure we are stet up for that on this night. As he lights the grill and we wait for the charcoal to get hot, we also wait to see what the pregnancy test will say. Just minutes later the test is very clearly positive. I am in fact pregnant! I’m not sure I’ve ever seen Tim so excited, as he hugs me and picks me up off the ground. Such joy. Such anticipation. Admittedly I am a bit more hesitant than he is, knowing it’s early in pregnancy and planning to take the second test in the morning. But that doesn’t squelch his excitement one bit. As we continue to cook outside and enjoy the warm spring air he says, “this is the best day ever.”
I’m grateful for that day one year ago. I’m grateful that we created a fun memory to find out the news. I’m grateful we withheld telling anyone for a while so that it was just ours. It really was all a gift.
Although today I remember that night with such joy, it also is met with deep sorrow. He died. My greatest fear came to reality eight months later in the most awful way. And on this one year anniversary we also officially ordered Enoch’s gravestone. We hadn’t until now, partially because the task seemed so overwhelming and so final, but it was time for many reasons. And unintentionally both are landing on the same day, today. The joy and the sorrow continue to meet time and time again.