Bargaining

Every single thing is a gift.
I deserve nothing.
I genuinely believe and know these statements to be true.
But I’m tempted…
Sometimes I’m tempted to still think and ask God for what I think “I deserve.” I found myself doing this the other night in the car.  I was thinking about the weight I gained from pregnancy.

First let me say that this weight is something that infuriates me for several reasons.  I’m currently in the worst physical shape I’ve ever been in.  Everyone told me that I would gain weight, but it would be worth it because I would have a baby at the end of it. And more than anything, it is a regular reminder that my baby died.

I’ve been doing everything in my power to get back in shape, to lose the weight, and it’s been a struggle.  So as I was driving in my car the other night thinking about all of this, I thought “God can you just take this weight from me?  My baby died, the least you could do is let me lose this weight.”

I deserve.  I immediately caught myself.  There are moments and even days that I walk around thinking I am justified in my desire for things.  Since I experienced this awful tragedy, God owes me something.  This day it was to lose weight.

The truth is I don’t deserve anything…
I didn’t deserve life.
I didn’t deserve to get pregnant or become a mom.
And I don’t deserve things just because I experienced a tragedy.
God still owes me nothing.

But it doesn’t mean that I don’t struggle with thinking about what I deserve from time to time.

Maybe this is part of the bargaining stage of grief…

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