My first Mother’s Day

I will admit I’ve been pretty mad about Mother’s Day coming for about the last ten days.  I’m mad because of so many conversations I had with God last year at this time, having just found out I was pregnant and begging not to have a miscarriage.  I’m mad because Enoch should be turning 5 months on Mother’s Day and instead he’s dead.  The pain and heartbreak is overwhelming.

Anticipating Mother’s Day would be hard, I made plans months ago to go away for the weekend with my friend Kara.  It seemed like a good plan.  Escape Akron and everyday life, but as the days got closer and the sadness came so violently to the surface I realized I needed to cancel.  Paying money to be sad in a hotel room across the country suddenly seemed like a waste.  Kara, of course, was gracious and encouraged me to do whatever I needed to do.

What did  I need to do?  I knew what I wanted.  I wanted to eat my feelings, lay in bed, watch sad movies, break plates and be mad at the world.  That’s the temptation.  To sulk, to be angry and feel justified in my anger.

But I once again realized it wouldn’t fulfill.  Grief has reminded me a bit of fighting with Tim.  For years when he and I would fight, it would drag on for hours and sometimes days.  Days where I wanted be and demonstrated that I was mad at him.  Now after 15 years of marriage, I realize I will forgive him and we will move on, so now I save the two days of silent treatment and get to the forgiving part sooner.

That is how grief has been.  There are days I am paralyzed with the pain and loss.  And in it I stay there, sulking in it.  The truth is I have tried so many different things to help in those moments and none of it does.  Eventually I end up going to God during the hard days and that’s what gets me through.  So I’ve stopped spending so much time trying all the other things, even though they seem like the better option in the moment.

So that’s what I am doing this weekend… clinging to Jesus.  I’m hiding from the world.  I’m in a cabin at a catholic retreat center all by myself.  As much as that sounds sad and lonely, really it’s not, it’s the healthiest thing I can do.  To turn off texts, my phone, email and social media.  To cling to Jesus.  To pray for parts of this weekend to be redeemed.  It is the only way I know how to get through this weekend, a weekend that seems so breathtakingly hard.

Don’t get me wrong, I will engage being sad.  I will look at pictures of my son, I will read books about grief, and I will weep.  There is nothing that takes away the pain.  I simply know the only way to get through any of this is with Jesus, that he meets me in the heartbreak.  So that’s what I’m doing this weekend… clinging to Jesus and a Five Guys burger can’t hurt either right? 😉

Beck-63.jpg*If you contact me and I don’t respond, it’s because I’m hiding, not because you said something wrong.

5 comments

  1. You have the right to feel like that and to a point I understand, I will never have the chance to carry a child. I have step kids but they don’t really acknowledge me on mothers day, they have a mom. I feel sad every mothers day. I will never understand why God has chosen this for me. I am so sorry you have to go through this.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thankyou for your honesty. I stumbled on your blog very recently. It has been so helpful to me in my own grief. I pray you feel so close to Jesus as you continue on this journey.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m so proud of you, Noel. You are brave and honest even in your darkest moments. I am encouraged that you acknowledge your pain, and are willing to walk through it. The death of Enoch’s physical body does not cancel out you being a mom. You are still a mom to him and many others. Your ministry to pregnant youths, and the others that come with them,has enabled you to parent many, many people. Your mothering skills are used every day. There are so many that need your loving, but firm hand to guide them along their journey. I’m sure in the rawness of your loss the big picture is lost, but your vision will return, and your mothering style, techniques will be forever changed and empowered. The Enemy will do everything to stop your ministry, BUT GOD has other plans.
    Job 23:10

    Liked by 1 person

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