The grief journey has been more difficult and different than I could have ever anticipated. Something I realized early on was that this journey is one I must walk alone. Although it is one I must walk alone, it doesn’t have to be lonely. Loneliness is often the “woe is me” feeling. That’s not how I feel. Not at all. It’s just the reality that nobody can come on this journey with me.
Although Tim is my primary support and he is amazing! We have had the same experience, which has helped us love and support each other. But the truth is he can’t come on this journey with me. My counselor explained it so well to me the other day. It’s as though we were both in a car accident together. We had the same experience but different injuries. And if we are both injured, it’s hard to help the other person. If we were in an actual car accident and his arms were broke and my legs were broke, we wouldn’t be able to help each other very well. Similarly, we can’t help each other very well in grief… not entirely at least.
My friends have been fantastic during the hardest season of my life. They have loved and cared for me well. They have mourned and grieved deeply, some still spending a portion of the day in bed missing Enoch’s very presence. But again, there are moments and days they are engaging in the real world, and I am in my room crying. This doesn’t offend me or hurt my feelings. It’s just reality. This is a journey they can’t join me on.
Through this whole grief season God has continued to show me that even though this is one I must walk alone, He is with me. And because of this, a couple months ago, I decided to go away for 48 hours to be alone with God. No calls. No texts. No social media. No communication with the outside world. Just God and I for 48 hours straight.
One of my main goals in going away was intimacy with God, allowing God to fulfill every need. I thought if I could genuinely let God fulfill all my needs and all my brokenness then it would free all expectations from any other relationship.
I left. I stayed disconnected. It was amazing and powerful in ways I had never anticipated.
When it came to God filling my needs, I don’t know if I thought it would just magically happen or what. But it was harder than I hoped. This is what I wrote in my journal.
My 48 hours is down to the last 12
The book I’m reading talks about a dead baby…
I fall apart
The searing pain takes over my body
I cry harder than I have in a while
The desires come…
For Tim to call
For Alicia to walk in the door
For someone… anyone to hug me
And then I realize…
I have to come to you (God) to fill me
I tell you I’m sad & miss Enoch
We look at pictures of him
I made it through that wave of searing pain. As much as my initial reaction was to go to other people and other things that give me comfort, I needed to go to God. If my hope was to have him fulfill my need and be my strength in the grief, then I had to actually let Him.
And He did!
I don’t know why that surprises me every time.