Father’s day has been a little rough for a few years. We knew we couldn’t have kids and so the day has always a little tricky. We navigated it alright… typically avoiding church, having one small conversation about the day being hard and moving on.
Last year was different. We celebrated! I was pregnant! I was past the danger zone, or so we thought, and I celebrated the anticipation of Tim becoming a father. I went out and bought him the smallest fishing pole I could find. I knew weather it was a boy or a girl Tim would teach our kid to fish. Even though I think it’s the most boring sport on the planet, which I’m fairly certain I told him when I gave it to him 🙂 He was excited, for the pole but more so the anticipation of teaching our kid to fish.
Now Father’s day has come around again. I couldn’t tell you where that fishing pole is now. In some ways I’m glad I don’t know. What do you do with such things? Do we keep it? Do we get rid of it? Where do we even put it? I have a whole room with so many things begging those same questions. No options seems like the right one.
And now for this year. I don’t know what to do. There’s a random father’s day mug floating around our office. A wife had a mug made for her husband with pictures all over it of him and his kid. It’s a reminder that Father’s Day is coming and a reminder that I can’t make one of those. In fact, I’ll never be able to make one of those for Tim.
What do I do? Do I get him a gift? If so what? Do we celebrate the day knowing it just reminds us that our baby died? Do I say things like “you’re a great dad,” when he hasn’t gotten to live out his parenting?
I will say, I am so grateful for Tim and his love for our son, it’s just not what we anticipated. So my heart is broken, more for him that for me on this day. It all feels confusing, tricky and much more difficult to navigate than any other Father’s Day.