Month: October 2016

A new friend

There was this woman Shelly some of my friends were friends with.  I would see her occasionally at social events, we were friends on Facebook, but honestly didn’t know her.  Not well.  Not at all really.

When Enoch died she reached out.  She came to the funeral, I think in part because several of her friends were impacted by it.  I didn’t get a chance to say hello, but she sent me the sweetest text between the funeral and the funeral dinner.  I distinctly remember reading it in the car as we drove that short distance.

The texts and messages didn’t stop that day.

A few months later she lost her brother suddenly and unexpectedly.  It was a funeral I had to got to.  I remember her walking up to me as soon as she saw me with tears streaming down her face asking in great disbelief “why would you come?” I told her I needed to, I needed to hug her and see her and support her the same way she had supported me up until that point.  Plus I understood some of the shock and unbearable pain she was experiencing.

Since then we have continued to walk this grief journey together.  Each journey looking a little different, but grateful for someone else  who “gets it.”

Often, when it feels like nobody else will get the feeling of that day.  I send her a text.  This is one I sent just last week…”Today I went to the church for the first time since Enoch’s funeral. It was for a breakfast and the triggers were unexpected and a little intense. Now all I want to do is drink and eat and throw things.  I figured you would get that.”

She never has some magical answer or insight, but often her response is one of understanding and for that I’m grateful!

Last week I received this text from Shelly, “Hi friend. It just occurred to me that one of the most beautiful things that has come out of the tragedy of my brothers death is your sweet friendship. I love you!”

This was not how we anticipated becoming friends… but I am thankful!

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Just weeks before Enoch was born this picture was taken, Shelly (on right) and I together in one of these random social settings.

My mantra for months…

Years ago I was fighting endless lies in reference to my identity… in relationships, my role and honestly my overall existence.  During that period, I wrote this every day in my journal or on my wrist.  “I am God’s daughter, He created me for a reason.  Who the hell cares what anyone else thinks.”  Sorry mom for the strong language,  but I needed the reminder to be bold and strong because the lies were so loud and true in my mind.  I needed the reminder that I AM God’s daughter, he really did create me for a reason and that my view of myself needed to come from Him and Him alone.

Eventually I believed it and no longer needed to write it down.

I will admit, from time to time I get sucked back in.  Back into what someone else thinks, back into an identity that isn’t rooted in Christ, and back into wondering why I’m here.  But those days are few and far between and when they come, I simply go back to this phrase written in my journal.

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 1 John 3:1 “See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are.”

Galatians 1:10 “For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.”

“Family Vacation”

Someone told me recently that 7-9 months are a new wave of hard in the grief season, in fact she said it’s some of the worst.  After she told me, I said “well that wasn’t the most encouraging pep talk I’ve ever had.” Although I admit now it was a good warning as I’m in month 9 and have experienced it.

Several months ago a dear friend asked about Tim and I joining her family for vacation.  It wasn’t a definite, but it looked like we would have access to a condo, next to theirs, by the beach and mountains all for free!!  There were no guarantees, but it seemed like a great idea!  I was in, but trying not to get too excited.

About a month before the actual vacation, when the possibility became a reality she wanted to confirm our plans to join them.  It seemed like a no brainer… free vacation with some of our closest friends.  But I said no.  I never even told Tim.  I didn’t think we could handle “family vacation” without our son. Family vacation without our family seemed unbearable.  And I was afraid watching another couple with their kids on vacation would be a blatant, non-stop reminder that Enoch died.

This particular situation brought about a new form of grief.  Grief has certainly shown up over the past 9 months.  It usually shows up abruptly and often causes me to cancel the plans I had set for that day.  This was different, this was changing major plans anticipating the grief that would most certainly show up.  It seemed so strange, and yet it made so much sense.  We couldn’t go.  We shouldn’t go.  I was confident my heart wouldn’t bear it.

As my friends were enjoying the beach that week I couldn’t help but wonder…  What would it have been like to take take our small son on a beach vacation?  Had he been here, I am certain we would have gone.  I wondered what stage of life he would be at.  I wondered how annoying it would be to have him in the sand.  I wondered about taking the classic family beach photos, like all those I see on FB in my newsfeed.  I wondered about nap times and how it would work as their kids are no longer nappers.  I wondered how much he would weigh and what he would feel like to hold.

The wondering was overwhelming, and so the next chance I got, I held a little baby girl just a tad bit older than Enoch.  I needed to… I needed at least some of those wonderings to be understood.

Grief is a strange thing, and as we get further along, I’m not sure I understand it any better

Beautiful Surrender

I recently came across this song.  I love it.  I love it because most of the time when worship songs talk about surrender it is heavy and serious.  I get it, there is a weight & seriousness that comes with surrendering everything to follow after Christ.  But equally there is a freedom and a peace that comes with complete surrender and trust. That is what attracted me to this song.

Pictures

There are few pictures in this world of me pregnant.  It just wasn’t my style to have lots of pregnancy pictures.  If I’m honest I regret that decision now.  I didn’t know there wouldn’t be very many pictures of Enoch, so any of him, even inside my belly, I now want.  A few months ago I was on Tim’s phone and came across a few that he had taken.  He of course managed to get the most.  This one was taken exactly one year ago today.  He thought it was hilarious because I was always eating and in my sweat pants…. so this picture captured it all.

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Mr. Timothy Beck

When Tim and I got engaged, my dad said to Tim, “Good luck, she’s your fire ball now.”  I didn’t understand what he meant, and I’m confident Tim didn’t either. As Tim and I were camping this past weekend, we have been talking a lot about life and marriage, where we are, and where we hope to be.

Discussing these things, I can’t help but think of all the things I have put Tim through:

  • Buying a house and then spending five years renovating it ourselves exactly the way we wanted it only then say to him, “I think God wants us to move to Kenmore.”
  • Him coming home and realizing I started renovating without him, by ripping out the wall.
  • Embracing life in the city, when deep in his heart he is a country boy.
  • Starting First Glance with me, helping raise money, starting programs, being our web support, and anything else we need him for.
  • Quitting my paying job to run First Glance for no pay.
  • Constantly having people move in with us.  Sometimes multiple people at once, and several of them living with us more than once.  A total of thirteen people in sixteen years.
  • Not having enough rooms the last time I wanted to move a total of three people in (plus we were pregnant), therefore he finished the entire basement.
  • I take these bike riding adventures, and he’s always the first call when the problems occur, the rain is too deep, or we finished and just need picked up.
  • The list really could go on and on.

As I think about some of these things listed, I can’t help but chuckle at them, with the words of my father ringing loud and clear.  I really am a fire ball.  I’m so grateful for a husband who thinks these things are all part of the adventure and not annoying.  He has done all the above with a joyful heart.  He has worked hard to love me well, provide for my needs, and even give me my wants for sixteen years.

Just so you know I did learn that putting the toothpaste cap on was really important to him so I do.  See it’s give and take.  You’re welcome 😉

In all seriousness…
He really is the love of my life.
I still always think he is the cutest man in the room.
And I am so very grateful for the opportunity to be his wife.

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