Month: November 2016

One of the greatest days ever.

I recently experienced one of the best days at First Glance, actually of my life. We had posted our new video about Fist Glance.  Video’s are always scary as for me as we try and sum up everything that we do at First Glance and more importantly why we do it, all in five minutes.  In this one we talk about our students being family, it’s true, I sincerely see our students and First Glance as a form of family… but to post that idea, to broadcast it to the world feels vulnerable. Someone might disagree.  Maybe I disillusioned in thinking we create a family environment.  These are the thoughts and concerns that roll around in my mind after making such a strong statement.

Then, on Wednesday, December 16th I woke up to this message on my Facebook Page.

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What an encouragement!!  Maybe what we think we are doing, we are actually doing.  Little did I know many similar messages would come through over the next week.

Then to add to an already amazing day.  I had the privilege and opportunity to baptize Dee!!  I mentioned her a few months ago, in this post, when she came to Christ.  I absolutely love baptism!!!  I was so stoked to attend!!!  And then to be able to to baptize her, there are no words!

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Oh man, what an amazing day!!!  I really am so very grateful for the front row seat at what God does!!!

Rhythms and routines…

I love biking!  This summer I hit 5000 miles since starting to use the app that keeps track of statistics like this.  The majority of these miles have been ridden along side of my dearest friend and bike partner, Alicia.  We have been bike partners for years and have had many adventures, some crossing state lines, others trying not to be attacked by dogs, and almost always somehow biking in the rain.

Sometimes I take for granted how easy it is to bike with Alicia.  After biking together for six years, we have a pretty good rhythm.  When there’s no traffic she takes the outside lane, and we bike side by side.  When a car comes, I know to slow down and let her over.  When crossing lanes or making a left hand turn, she usually is the one looking out for traffic and calling out when it’s safe to go.  I plan routes and keep track of navigation.  It’s what we do.IMG_0304.jpg

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In all honesty these habits are pretty boring to you, and I rarely notice them… until I ride bikes with someone else.  Typically it’s Tim, and he doesn’t know the rhythms and routines I am used to.  He rarely goes on the outside lane so we can talk.  We don’t bike the same speed, and it all takes significantly more communication.  It’s not bad, just noticeably different.

Biking is my most concrete example, but there are all sorts of other life rhythms and routines I do with Tim, at work, at home, etc. that I rarely notice… until it’s shifted in some capacity.  As I have been biking this summer, I have thought about this more and more, the rhythms and how little effort it takes to think about it.

I have been thinking about it because I have so desperately wanted the same rhythm and ease with God leading my life.  Here’s what is amazing to me.  God, the Creator of the universe, interacts in our lives!  For real.  Not only does He interact, He gives us the Holy Spirt to lead and guide us.  I love it!  I have been working on habits in order to be in tune with the Spirit.  It’s why I started carrying the notebook that I talked about in this other post.

The hard part is that sometimes I get what I call “sucked in.”  I get sucked into stress, or busyness,  or drama, or selfishness, or fill in the blank.  It’s easy to get sucked in, to lose focus, and to not be lead by the Holy Spirit. I so desperately want the Holy Spirit to lead in such a powerful way that I notice and miss it when someone else or something else is leading me.  I want to notice the Holy Spirit not leading and guiding in the same way that I notice when I’m biking with someone other than Alicia.

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“you’ll have another”

Recently I was having a conversation with one of my friends and she asked, “have you had a lot of people saying stupid things to you about getting pregnant again?”  It’s a valid question.

Before I enter into this conversation I would like to say, I’ve honestly not been offended by anybody’s interaction with me in this grief season.  I know that’s always a fear, saying the wrong thing.  Many of you have asked,  “Should I ask about Enoch?”  “Should I not?”  “Did I offend you?”  “Was that insensitive?”  The answer to all of those is, it’s ok to talk about it.  I’m not offended, and I ALWAYS know your heart.  That’s the beauty of it all.  I understand that most people who are trying to engage in any conversation about my son have a desire to love and care for me.  That in and of itself, I am so very grateful for.  If you happen to say something that you later kick yourself about, I promise you that I didn’t even notice.  I sincerely have not been offended in any fashion by any of you.

So back to the comments that I get about having kids.  Sometimes I think we don’t want to sit with the pain and suffering that is happening around us.  I get it.  Nobody wants to.  Myself included.  So as people have heard about our loss we do often get statements about how they are sure I’ll have another, I’m not too old to get pregnant again, that there’s always adoption and so forth.  There is some innate desire for us to be hopeful, to not sit in the reality of the situation.  I’m not saying being hopeful is bad.  I consider myself a fairly hopeful and optimistic person.  But as I’ve walked this season of grief and have encountered these conversations, I can’t help but think about this video clip.

Obviously I’m not referring to dating but rather the idea that we want to make our friends feel better.  Therefore, often not wanting to acknowledge the reality of the situation.

For me the reality is…

  • I have been married for 16 years and have never gotten pregnant, until Enoch.
  • We were told by doctors our ability to have children was very minimal… 3% to be exact.
  • The adoption door has closed a couple times.
  • We have no other children.
  • We finally got pregnant, and Enoch died.
  • I am 38 years old, again not too old to have a baby, but not any too young either.

All of the above are part of the reality of the situation.  For us, losing Enoch was unbearably hard and on top of it, in many ways, we lost the dream of having a family.  Again, I’m not completely hopeless that it won’t happen.  God is amazing and miraculous and can do anything!!  I’m confident of that, but that needs to come from Him.

So if I’m honest, when I talk to people about our loss of Enoch and they immediately respond that it’s not too late and I could have another, my  mind goes to this clip.  I appreciate the sentiment and the desire for me to feel better, but they don’t know that I can or will have another.  The reality is it’s a hard situation on a lot of levels and the promise of another child doesn’t take all that pain away.