“you’ll have another”

Recently I was having a conversation with one of my friends and she asked, “have you had a lot of people saying stupid things to you about getting pregnant again?”  It’s a valid question.

Before I enter into this conversation I would like to say, I’ve honestly not been offended by anybody’s interaction with me in this grief season.  I know that’s always a fear, saying the wrong thing.  Many of you have asked,  “Should I ask about Enoch?”  “Should I not?”  “Did I offend you?”  “Was that insensitive?”  The answer to all of those is, it’s ok to talk about it.  I’m not offended, and I ALWAYS know your heart.  That’s the beauty of it all.  I understand that most people who are trying to engage in any conversation about my son have a desire to love and care for me.  That in and of itself, I am so very grateful for.  If you happen to say something that you later kick yourself about, I promise you that I didn’t even notice.  I sincerely have not been offended in any fashion by any of you.

So back to the comments that I get about having kids.  Sometimes I think we don’t want to sit with the pain and suffering that is happening around us.  I get it.  Nobody wants to.  Myself included.  So as people have heard about our loss we do often get statements about how they are sure I’ll have another, I’m not too old to get pregnant again, that there’s always adoption and so forth.  There is some innate desire for us to be hopeful, to not sit in the reality of the situation.  I’m not saying being hopeful is bad.  I consider myself a fairly hopeful and optimistic person.  But as I’ve walked this season of grief and have encountered these conversations, I can’t help but think about this video clip.

Obviously I’m not referring to dating but rather the idea that we want to make our friends feel better.  Therefore, often not wanting to acknowledge the reality of the situation.

For me the reality is…

  • I have been married for 16 years and have never gotten pregnant, until Enoch.
  • We were told by doctors our ability to have children was very minimal… 3% to be exact.
  • The adoption door has closed a couple times.
  • We have no other children.
  • We finally got pregnant, and Enoch died.
  • I am 38 years old, again not too old to have a baby, but not any too young either.

All of the above are part of the reality of the situation.  For us, losing Enoch was unbearably hard and on top of it, in many ways, we lost the dream of having a family.  Again, I’m not completely hopeless that it won’t happen.  God is amazing and miraculous and can do anything!!  I’m confident of that, but that needs to come from Him.

So if I’m honest, when I talk to people about our loss of Enoch and they immediately respond that it’s not too late and I could have another, my  mind goes to this clip.  I appreciate the sentiment and the desire for me to feel better, but they don’t know that I can or will have another.  The reality is it’s a hard situation on a lot of levels and the promise of another child doesn’t take all that pain away.

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