2016 was the year of grief. I am still amazed at the amount of mental and emotional energy that was consumed with it. For 2017 I recognize that the grief is less consuming, and quite honestly I’m glad for the mental break. I feel like it used to be 80% of my mental and emotional energy, and now is only about 20%.
Although only 20%, I’m trying to give myself the space for it. I have given myself permission to lay in bed and hide from the world every month on the 8th for the entire year. “Feel what you feel.” One of my closest friends over the years has said this to me 1,000 times because I often get frustrated that I’m feeling a particular way. Yesterday I had to remind myself of this phrase because, as I lay in bed trying to get through the day, it’s hard not to question it. I question why it feels so consuming still? Question if “I should be over it by now?” Question if people wonder why I’m still mourning so much? The rest of the world is functioning like normal, and I lay in bed feeling far from normal.
But I choose to feel how I feel. The truth is I mourn his very being. I mourn the idea of being a mom to an infant. I mourn little things like dressing him or seeing all of his “firsts.” So I feel how I feel on the 8th and hide from the world. Yesterday was no different.