I forgot. I didn’t mean to forget. I just forgot.
Last year, especially while grief was amazingly strong and present and overwhelming, I recognized I needed to be completely dependent on God, to allow Him to fulfill. I learned long ago that nothing else really fulfills. I’ve tried food, friends, alcohol, exercise, crying, yelling, working, etc. I’ve tried everything to help any and every feeling I’ve felt. The truth is that all of those things I tried have ended up causing me to feel empty.
I’ve also learned that when we allow God to fulfill instead of friends or spouses, it frees up those friendships to be exactly what they need to be. There are less demands on the relationship that can create frustration and disappointment when needs aren’t met.
I knew this. I knew all of it. I was mostly rocking it last year, I even wrote this. Then somewhere by the end of last year I forgot. I got distracted. I more quickly and willingly went to all the other things that I hoped would fulfill. I desperately wanted a person to care for me. I ate enough feelings to gain more weight than I’d like to admit. I tried it all… it didn’t fulfill.
So this year, 2017, God has gently shown me how I got a little off track. So here is to a year of being completely dependent on Him, and Him alone. No eating my feelings. My new motto is “food is fuel.” No alcohol in any form. I never abused it, but the only time I was drinking was because of my feelings. And no going to friends for comfort, even for prayer (unless I’ve been praying for a week and feel no resolve). I recognized that sometimes, when reaching out for prayer, I was wanting rescued by those individuals.
The truth is that God really does fulfill!! In some ways it seems too easy or too much of a “Sunday school answer.” But over and over again I realize how God really does fulfill, and so I continue to go to Him!
– Psalm 36:7