Month: April 2018

Monday Momentumn – Podcasts

For your Monday Momentum, I wanted to share the podcast that Women on Purpose has been hosting. We’ve recorded several, I wanted to highlight the last two as these two women are those who walk in the room and sense the Spirit and their life of faith before they even say any words.

The first one is Gail Benn, someone who has been an encourager and friend for almost 20 years.

The other one is Liz Miller, who I literally just met and this was our first official conversation.

Such wisdom and faith coming from each.

Space but not power

Grief continues to be a journey, a journey I’m probably less patient with than most of those watching me go through it.

I have been thinking a lot about grief in the sense of giving it space, but not giving it power.

Recently several friends from church have had babies. Every Sunday morning there are so many of these itty bitty new born babies all around. I have to admit the maternal part of me wants to hold all of them. For the last two years, I haven’t held new born babies. It’s not been out of a lack of desire. In fact, it’s the opposite. Everything in my being wants to hold, cuddle, and care for a little baby. My body and mind got ready for 40 weeks to do just that, but I didn’t. I couldn’t. But that desire never changed. It’s why I would lay on the grave, or sleep with his blanket. I so desperately desire to love, care, and be close to my son who was so far away. And two years later the desire remains almost as strong.

What kept me from holding the babies the past two years is that I gave grief power. Mainly it came in the form of fear: fear that holding a baby would trigger my memories of Enoch, fear that it would be too sad, fear that the baby I was holding would die, and fear that I would make Tim and friends sad by seeing me hold a little baby. There are a lot these thoughts and honestly they continue to role around in my head.

But several weeks ago on a Sunday morning I decided I didn’t want grief to have power. I didn’t want it to keep me from holding babies or engaging my friends who were pregnant. So I didn’t let it. I turned around to the little baby sitting behind me in church and held him this whole time! He was cute and sweet, and it was healing. Healing for me, and also his mom, who happens to call me mom. She was so excited I held him, that she posted on FB how “Grandma” was holding the little guy.

I didn’t give grief power.

But there still has to be space for grief. I didn’t know the next week would be hard with different kinds of loss (not death), but it felt like grief and triggered memories of Enoch so intensely. The exact following Sunday, Easter, was too much for me to bear. Between my week of the grief trigger, all the cute plaid shirts on the kids running around church, and the countless Easter photos, I hit a grief wall I haven’t hit since his birthday in December.

It resulted in an unsuspecting friend getting a decent dose of crying as she was in my path coming back from the restroom during church. It caused us to leave Easter dinner a little earlier than we normally would have. And the rest of the day ended with me in my bed and the phone off. I gave grief space, and I had to. I had to give myself some time to process my grief and miss Enoch.

Grief needs space, but it doesn’t need power. And this is me trying to figure out the two.

Here is my Easter picture with the little baby, his mom, and his sisters that I held the week before.

Monday Momentum – Phil Wickham

For your Monday Momentum today, I wanted to share three songs that have been on repeat for the past couple weeks.  Especially leading up to Akron Women on Purpose!  All of them are from one of my favorite worship leaders, Phil Wickham.

First one is “Your Love Awakens Me.”
The lines that I kept repeating are below.  I loved this idea that it’s God’s love in us that awakens us!

You called me out of the grave
You called me into the light
You called my name and then my heart came alive
Your love is greater
Your love is stronger
Your love awakens

The next one is “Mercy.”
These lines continued to play in my head as I prayed about all the women coming to Akron Women on Purpose.  Thinking about 550 women telling THIS story, that it makes dead men live and that we could change our world with this message!

To love like He loves and give like he gives
To tell the story that makes dead men live
And that’s what it takes if we’re gonna change the world

And the last one “Children of God.”
This one I loved thinking bout us being children of God standing together!

We are believers
All our hope in the risen one
And we are soldiers
We’re fighting with faith and love
And we are pilgrims
on the journey to reach our homes
Standing together
We are the children of God