Month: August 2018

Harvey needed skulls

After struggling with infertility and the loss of a baby you start to become aware of what you can and cannot engage when it comes to other babies.  For instance, I don’t do baby showers or kid birthday parties. I rarely go see a new mom and her baby, and I NEVER go to the hospital where Enoch was born. For the most part, these rules have served me well. But, every once in a while, I have to break them. I never want the rule to be more important than the relationship.

I break my birthday party rule with Xavier who asks every year to have his birthday at my house with a bon fire.  I’ve gone to the same hospital when Brea, our daughter, had surgery.  And when my dear friend Hannah became pregnant I knew several of my rules would have to go.

Hannah and I managed to navigate pregnancy well, she and I had a couple awkward and emotional conversations on how to love and support each other during this season.  I told her the same thing over and over, I never want her to go through what I did, so it’s never a matter of jealousy!  I was thrilled for her to get to be pregnant and become a mom.

Soon, Harvey arrived!  And I found myself needing to go see these two.  Again so excited, but also very aware that this little guy would most likely stir the grief in me.

The morning I was headed their way I realized I needed to bring Harvey something, not because he needed something else.  I know the Nitz’s are very loved and probably swimming in baby stuff.  But, I also knew that Harvey would need someone to toughen him up a bit, the boy needed some skulls!  And so I walked into Enoch’s room, which is still the way we set it up for him to come home.  I went into the dresser and grabbed a small newborn onesie that had a skull on it. This wasn’t just a random onesie with a skull, but the one I had picked out specifically for our little guy.  Not knowing if our baby was a boy or girl I went out just weeks before he was born and bought an outfit for each gender specifically for when he/she was born.  This was the onesie I needed Harvey to have.

As I roamed through his room and his clothes it was the harsh reality that it’s been 2.5 years and I’m most likely not getting pregnant again.  I’m coming to grips with the fact that we probably won’t use this room for a new born.  BUT, it also was the joy of giving this gift, this very specific onesie to my dear friend!  This friendship means so much to me! And there was nobody else I would rather have this onesie than Harvey.  Plus his parents are never going to put him in skulls.

A couple days later I received a text from Hannah with this picture.

img_8188

In the text she told me how she told him all about Enoch and myself.  Which made my heart happy, and my eyes weep, because while we were holding Enoch in the hospital we stayed up all night telling him all about our friends, including Hannah.

It always comes back to the joy and the sorrow.  The loss of Enoch continues to create sorrow in these moments, but equally, we find the joy of new babies and new life of our friends.

Don’t worry, Harvey, I’ll make sure you love skulls, jeeps, converse and mountain biking adventures… Just wait!