This week I wrestled with grief. Especially Tuesday, May 8th, a day that marked exactly 172 weeks (or 29 months) since Enoch was born. The 8th coming on a Tuesday and in the same week of Mother’s Day was especially hard. I canceled all my meetings, laid in bed and did very little besides eating my feelings.
I’m hiding away on this Mother’s day, my third since he was born and 4th since finding out I was pregnant. I needed a vacation. Plus it’s Tim and I’s 18th anniversary. So we are away, and I’m reflecting on this day that celebrates being a mom.
Believe me when I say there is still plenty of eating my feelings and a heavy heart as being a mom looks different than I anticipated. Especially today as I am remembering how it was exactly three years ago when Tim and I just found out we were pregnant and were picking names for this little baby to come. We decided on the name Trinity if it were a girl, and the boys name was still up for debate, despite Tim’s vote being “Tim Beck Two.”
Today I’ve gone through a lot of emotions and a lot of heaviness, but I have also tried to realize the gifts in it all too. I have learned that at times I want to sit and say things like “I deserve.” “I deserve to be a mom.” “I deserve to have a 2 year old.” “I deserve to have a good Mother’s Day.” Amongst others.
Sometimes I forget to say “I don’t deserve…”
I got a text from my friend Jenna who reminded me of the impact Enoch had on so many people’s lives. I have gotten countless texts and messages over the years from people who’s lives were impacted by my son, who never even breathed a breath on Earth. I prayed so much, every night in fact, while pregnant that God would use his life for God’s glory, and he did! I remember after he was born thinking he’s had a larger impact in Akron for Jesus that I had in 15 years. I didn’t deserve a son with such impact. God didn’t owe me that.
And I for sure didn’t deserve to meet our son and hold him for 11 hours. And I didn’t deserve a husband who let me hold him the majority of those hours.
In addition I have had the privilege and opportunity to mom so many who I didn’t give birth to.
Joe who was the first to live with us, over 10 years ago. I’m still so grateful to have relationship with his wife and three kids.
Brea who lived with us almost a year and I still get to mom!
Davi who lives with us during the week now, and I get the joy of small things like driving her to school.
Also I mom many students at First Glance, whether they want me to or not 😉. And other students do call me mom like Dee & TiTi.
One of my most unconventional opportunities is My dearest friend Alicia, although she’s only 6 years younger and typically we bike and have crazy adventures together. Other times I function as her mom, I care for her when she’s sick, drive her to doctor appointments and buy her socks… because that’s what I think moms do, buy socks.
I don’t deserve to get to mom all these individuals. I really don’t, and yet on a day like today I’m more apt to say “I do deserve…”, instead of “I don’t deserve…”
God is good and gracious. And as much as I want to say I deserve so many things, honestly God owes me nothing. I don’t deserve a son at all. Let alone one who impacts the kingdom still! I don’t deserve the way God reminds me of Enoch’s impact through those around me, and I don’t deserve the many creative ways God lets me love and mom so many!!
I don’t deserve, and tonight I’m very aware of that truth.