Tim and I have had an amazing life together full of ministry, businesses and adventure. Several years ago we decided it was time to have a family. For years we navigated a winding journey of doors closing with foster care, adoption and doctors telling us we were infertile.
Then, after a crazy season where God literally healed my mind and marriage, we found out we were pregnant! This was exciting, and it seemed to be the happy ending to a long and difficult journey. The next 40 weeks were both thrilling and terrifying as we prepared for our little baby to join us. (Click on these to read about how God healed my mind, marriage, and body).
Just a handful of days after our due date, we walked into an appointment to hear words no parents should ever hear, “There is no heartbeat.” Within minutes our lives were completely wrecked. Hours later we had the privilege and honor of meeting our son, Enoch. For the next 11 hours we held him close, kissed his head, and told him about all the people we were hoping he would have met. Saying goodbye was the hardest moment of our lives, and days later we devastatingly buried him.
As much as the end of the story is unbearably painful and not at all what we anticipated, we also see that it was a gift. It was ALL a gift. For my entire pregnancy and even before, God was teaching me how everything really is a gift.
I wrote this for my blog exactly three months prior to Enoch being born.
I really wholeheartedly believe EVERYTHING IS A GIFT. I haven’t adopted this now that “everything in my life is good” or because I finally got pregnant. It’s something that has become more and more evident over time. That we have come into this world with nothing, that we don’t “deserve” anything. You see I’ve walked a lot of days on this earth angry or sad because something didn’t go the way I thought it should… in timing, in outcome, etc. The problem is I have spent a lot of those days feeling like “I deserve” something and people have encouraged this thought process saying things like, “you deserve a vacation”, “you deserve a new car”, “you deserve to be a mom” etc. I understand the sentiment, but the truth is I don’t deserve anything. I entered this world because God allowed me to, he owes me nothing. In fact, really I deserve damnation, but instead he blesses me, with life, breath, Tim, First Glance, food, etc. More and more I realize how good these gifts are, and I realize they really are GIFTS. If for some reason some of these things are taken from me, I have no doubt I will mourn the loss of them. I also know that it was a gift in the first place. I work hard to keep my hands open to understand that God really is in control.
Although I wrote this months before Enoch being born, it’s also how I feel months after his death. It really was and is a gift. I so wanted to be pregnant, and I GOT to be! I wanted to be a mom, and I GET to be.
Tim and I continue to live in these two worlds… peace knowing God is in control & seeing pregnancy as a gift and feeling the deep pain of the loss of our only child. We talked about these two worlds at Enoch’s funeral. You can listen below.