Our Son

Tim and I have had an amazing life together full of ministry, businesses and adventure.  Several years ago we decided it was time to have a family.  For years we navigated a winding journey of doors closing with foster care, adoption and  doctors telling us we were infertile.

Then, after a crazy season where God literally healed my mind and marriage, we found out we were pregnant!  This was exciting, and it seemed to be the happy ending to a long and difficult journey.  The next 40 weeks were both thrilling and terrifying as we prepared for our little baby to join us. (Click on these to read about how God healed my mind, marriage, and body).

Just a handful of days after our due date, we walked into an appointment to hear words no parents should ever hear, “There is no heartbeat.”  Within minutes our lives were completely wrecked. Hours later we had the privilege and honor of meeting our son, Enoch.  For the next 11 hours we held him close, kissed his head, and told him about all the people we were hoping he would have met.  Saying goodbye was the hardest moment of our lives, and days later we devastatingly buried him.

As much as the end of the story is unbearably painful and not at all what we anticipated, we also see that it was a gift.  It was ALL a gift.  For my entire pregnancy and even before, God was teaching me how everything really is a gift.

I wrote this for my blog exactly three months prior to Enoch being born.
I really wholeheartedly believe EVERYTHING IS A GIFT.  I haven’t adopted this now that “everything in my life is good” or because I finally got pregnant.  It’s something that has become more and more evident over time.  That we have come into this world with nothing, that we don’t “deserve” anything. You see I’ve walked a lot of days on this earth angry or sad because something didn’t go the way I thought it should… in timing, in outcome, etc.  The problem is I have spent a lot of those days feeling like “I deserve” something and people have encouraged this thought process saying things like, “you deserve a vacation”, “you deserve a new car”, “you deserve to be a mom” etc.  I understand the sentiment, but the truth is I don’t deserve anything.  I entered this world because God allowed me to, he owes me nothing.  In fact, really I deserve damnation, but instead he blesses me, with life, breath, Tim, First Glance, food, etc.  More and more I realize how good these gifts are, and I realize they really are GIFTS.  If for some reason some of these things are taken from me, I have no doubt I will mourn the loss of them.  I also know that it was a gift in the first place.  I work hard to keep my hands open to understand that God really is in control.

Although I wrote this months before Enoch being born, it’s also how I feel months after his death.  It really was and is a gift.  I so wanted to be pregnant, and I GOT to be!  I wanted to be a mom, and I GET to be.

Tim and I continue to live in these two worlds… peace knowing God is in control & seeing pregnancy as a gift and feeling the deep pain of the loss of our only child.  We talked about these two worlds at Enoch’s funeral.  You can listen below.

3 comments

  1. I am at a loss for words what your family has been through I read it watch the funeral as well I cried for you and have goose bumps and one of the things I have learned from you, I always thought I have food money beautiful plants and roof over my head because I have provided it myself but now I see it a different way that you have made me realize if it wasn’t for god we wouldn’t have food plants and family and much more he created everything so we can survive if God didn’t create what he did we wouldn’t even be here I’m am honored to know your family and all the amazing things you do for first glance and Kenmore community I want to thank you for all you do I believe God put you and everyone from first glance into my life for a reason I am gonna be praying for you and your beautiful family

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  2. Hi, I am so sorry for your loss. It is very hard, i had a miscarriage at 7 weeks in 2014 and also i had a stillbirth Mother’s day weekend 2015 at 18 weeks. For that one we went to the appointment to find out the sex of the baby and there was no heartbeat….it was the hardest thing ever
    You will get pregnant again just have faith in God, and pray everyday.
    My husband and I now have a baby girl and she is 5 months old now….i never that i would get pregnant again and i was so scared during my pregnancy. But i kept my faith in God and he blessed us with a beautiful baby girl and a healthy birth.

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    1. Hi Linsey… I wanted to comment on your post only because I’m super sensitive and protective over this sweet family. I have one tip and one correction to kindly offer you… first, when reaching out to someone in their own grief it’s never a good idea to compare it to your own story. Although I am sorry to hear about your losses, they are not the same. It shows a lack of listening and compassion when you begin with your own stuff instead of engaging the rawness of what is written and spoken above. Second… I want to address your theological misnomer: faith+prayer= babies, is not an accurate equation. In all due respect, you know nothing of what this family has journeyed through in the last 16 years of their marriage or of their amazing faith and belief in the power of prayer. This is an EXtrEmeLy dangerous message to be spreading, especially to hurting and grieving parents. Again, although I am thankful for your little 5 month old gift, God doesn’t choose to put a bow at the end of every story here on earth.
      The good news, is that Noelle is one of the most gracious people I know when such messages come around. Please know I write this encouragement out of care and concern for other women you may meet or come across in the future.

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